missoldsoul

Who Are You And What Have You Done With My Husband?

missoldsoul — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 07:20:20 +0000

The "OTHER" Man

I just got off the phone with a close friend, telling her all about my trip to see Muscle Bear, nitty gritty and all. After the conversation ended I realized how much I’ve been holding in since I got back home from his BCT graduation.

There’s so much that I haven’t even tried to share with him now that we get to talk on the phone on a daily basis. That’s bizarre behavior because we used to tell each other everything, no topic was ever taboo between us. The truth is, things are different now. I almost feel as though the person that left 3 months ago is gone forever, and I miss that man because he was the one I had a deep, meaningful relationship with. This new man that I met a week ago is a soldier and claims to be my husband, but he looks and acts so differently. Our conversations are all about his daily events and I wonder how we’ll ever become emotionally intimate again.

The Empty Mailbox

missoldsoul — Sun, 08 Mar 2009 04:06:01 +0000

Um, do you remember that sinking feeling in your belly when you didn’t get what you wanted for your birthday? Or the disappointment you feel when you’re craving something sweet but every time you open the fridge your fantasy chocolate cake never appears? Well, I pretty much feel that way everyday when I open my mailbox and there isn’t a letter from my hubby waiting for me. It’s not that I expect him to write me everyday, it’s just that I need to connect with him on a daily basis and our mailbox is my only hope for that contact. It has become the only porthole of communication between us since he’s been at basic training. So when it’s empty, I’m sort of jolted back into reality. Like, “Oh yeah, I’m still alone. Damn it. Maybe tomorrow.” And twisted as it sounds, I derive comfort from the hope that tomorrow my mailbox will be good to me.

The Dream

missoldsoul — Sun, 22 Feb 2009 19:10:07 +0000

Dream interpretation has long been a hobby of mine, a sort of therapeutic introspection and spiritual healing process. That being said, I haven’t remembered my dreams in quite awhile, and some dream doctors would say that that’s because they weren’t as relevant as to merit remembrance in my waking life. But last night, for the first time since my husband’s departure, I remembered a dream. It was about him.

I was attending his military graduation along with some of our families. After the opening ceremony the graduates were marching all along the stadium for all to see. I pushed myself through the crowds to get a better look at my husband who was marching in the middle of the group, almost impossible to see. I whipped out my camera anyway, hoping to snap a good closeup of his face, but when I was about to press the shutter button he started to move forward in the ranks. I started to run ahead to give me some head-time to get the shot ready, but by the time I tried to take the picture again they had all marched right passed me. Frustrated, I just kept moving forward, snapping pictures in his general direction hoping that I would get at least one decent shot of him. I never got it.

At one point he started leading the graduates to their seats for the awards ceremony, and since he was in front I was able to get a better look at him. Still wasn’t able to take a good photo though. When they all sat down, he was hardly moving so I thought, “Perfect! Now’s my chance to get my shot.” But it was so dark that I had to put my flash up to even get an image and when I took the picture it was all washed out. That happened a few times back to back. All I could do was look at him. Stare at him until I created a mental image for posterity. My heart sank, and then I woke up.

HOA=Home Owner’s AGONY

missoldsoul — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 01:53:40 +0000

My husband had the BRILLIANT idea of running for the HOA Board right before he left for Basic Training. I guess he thought he didn’t have a chance of getting elected since we’re still pretty new to the building, not to mention the sad fact that because of my recent job loss we’ve gotten behind in our dues. Well he was wrong, he got elected. And who do you think is filing in for him while he’s away? Ahem, yeah, that’s right, ME. Can you tell just how THRILLED I am by this new responsibility? Greeeaaat…

The worst part is that the Board keeps tiptoeing around our situation instead of just outright asking me what’s going on. I mean, it wasn’t like our delinquency wasn’t public knowledge. They had every chance to tell Taylor that he didn’t qualify to run for the Board if that’s what they wanted to do. But they didn’t! And yet now they’re giving me grief via passive-aggressive PUBLIC group emails to the Board. How humiliating! Times are tough right now for EVERYONE, and I just don’t understand why being HELPFUL isn’t part of the Board’s tactic for dealing with delinquencies.

I’m not the only delinquent homeowner in our building. It’s the reality of the times, and trying to kick people into the ground when they’re already down and out ISN’T the solution. I don’t do passive. I don’t do passive-aggressive. I do direct and KIND. Nothing pisses me off more than inconsiderate people.

It’s Been 3 Weeks

missoldsoul — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 08:25:57 +0000

And only 15 more to go… I have trouble falling asleep these days. I tend to exhaust myself on the computer before I go to bed. It helps. Otherwise I’d spend hours lying awake in bed trying to remember how to sleep. What about my love? Where is he sleeping? Is he comfortable? Is he happy?

I never thought I’d grow to like Bob Dylan. In fact, I used to tease Hubby a lot because he has almost every Dylan album ever made. Now I listen to him all the time. It brings me closer to my love. Almost like I feel his spirit through this music. I have to constantly distract myself from my pain or else I’ll break down and cry at any given moment. Music definitely helps. Staying busy in general helps. And then there’s the silence right before I fall asleep. I miss my love! Good night.

Man Around the House

missoldsoul — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 21:04:52 +0000

You know, for being such a self-proclaimed “independent woman”, I sure did rely on my hubby for a lot of things. He was such a good helper around the house, in fact, I was more of the helper because he really did take charge of the chores: paying bills, cooking every meal, changing the kitty litter, fixing things around the house, and of course killing bugs. That man spoiled me ROTTEN.

Since he left it seems like the whole house is falling apart. I’ve been noticing insects indoors where there were none before, drawers breaking, light bulbs burning out, pilots going out, and (just this morning) A LEAKY CEILING. That last item particularly alarms me because we live in a 3-story condo complex and our unit is on the 1st floor. So our building’s roof must be pretty far gone if I’m getting a leak way down here, you know?

Hmmm, what would Hubby do?

Valentine’s Day Phone Call

missoldsoul — Sat, 14 Feb 2009 22:23:02 +0000

I couldn’t stop sobbing during the call. What was I thinking? Shouldn’t I be cool about all of this? Well, he certainly thought so. “Don’t cry,” and “be strong” was all he kept saying. I know he’s right, I should be strong and I shouldn’t cry, but don’t I have every right to be upset? After all, this was his decision in the first place, not mine. I support his decision, yes, because I love him, but not because I wanted him to go. “I’m doing this for us,” he repeated. But did he? Couldn’t he have done a million other things for us? A million other things that wouldn’t take him so far away from me for such a long time or put him at risk of overseas deployment? Don’t get me wrong, I am proud of him and I do support him. And that’s exactly why I feel guilty about being so upset with him. This role is a difficult one for me to play. I miss him, and after almost 4 years of being utterly inseparable, I hate going at it alone.